This Is An Open Letter.

This is an open letter to those I cut out of my life that might eventually read this:

I am sorry. 
I was scared. 
I didn’t know what to do and I panicked.

You know, you think you are ready for anything and you are ready to rely on your friends and nothing’s gonna stand in your way, not tonight!! Transformers power ballad aside, I know I fucked up, and again, I’m sorry.

I was so deathly afraid to transition in the real world, but I needed it so badly that I thought the only solution was to literally isolate myself and just get it done.  But here I am just about 6 months in and I’m feeling sheepish.  Hell if Will Smith can apologize 6 months later, so can I.

If you can’t accept it, I totally get it and it would be for the best if we both just moved on. 

If you can though, please let me know. I’ll get you a beer or something. Thanks.


P.S.: If you don’t know if this applies to you it doesn’t. 🙂 Still love you anyway!

P.S.S: If you haven’t guessed since the last blog post – yeah I’m on HRT, it’s been 2 months. Still fat. X(

P.S.S.S.: No I don’t expect estrogen to make me thin, I understand how this.. nevermind.

Oh hello little hidden blog that I never update…

I uh.. came out. I’m trans. MtF. End of update. XD

No really, after hemming and hawing for what 30 some odd years, I finally got down off the damn fence. No wonder I’ve not given a single shit about my appearance, my physical form. My brain is wired so fucky. When everything is going great I’m miserable. But now at least I know the root cause.

I have multiple stories I could point to that should have been ah-ha moments, but I’m just dumb as hell. Wearing female armor on my male character in UO is the earliest virtual thing I can think back to. I do also recall sneakily crossdressing as a teen and loving it. Having a damn near lucid dream of being a woman and having sex many, many times. Oh wow huh you think that would have clued me in?

*sigh* No time to cry over spilled milk ha ha ha

1. Lose 200 lbs.
2. Start HRT.
3. See where we go from there.

Ohhhhh my God what am I doing

Sooooooooooooooooooooo yeah

Hi. I guess I GO by Tanandra now. Was just going to be a little lark, oh I’ll just make a female avatar aaaaaand now it’s taking over my identity because I am literally enjoying it so much it saved me from quitting streaming altogether…

Been doing 6 hour streams every day at a minimum since the beginning of the year. After doing 2 hour streams for a year or more.

Now comes the hard part… going through with it.

I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down, and it’s exhilarating and scary and this has to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever attempted but also the fucking coolest. It’s controversial. It’s not normal, not mundane, not mediocre I hope. But yet, like everything else in my life not so much that I can’t handle it. I think.

Goodbye 70s.

Hello Tan.

Happy New Year

Been a couple months since I wrote anything in here! Dunno if anyone even READS this but hey, nice to kinda keep tabs on what’s going on.

Starting the new year with a quasi-new schedule. I’m not locking myself into a game on specific days anymore. Monday works for FF just because. Same with Thursday on WF. But even those are up to whatever.

Finally got around to cleaning up the rest of the website with the rebrand, the bookmark icon, etc. There’s still a couple straggler graphics but at this point it’s fine. I’ll update that when I update again.

Stream PC has been consistently better with the CPU heatsink/fan FIRMLY attached, and also learned a thing about USB video capture devices – one per USB controller, period. And it’s been stellar since then. Much less problems with stream.

Having fun streaming again, I just need to stop focusing on the numbers, you know, like I tell everyone else not to focus on the numbers. XD It’s hard not to.